Ask The Lacys

Rädd att han är otrogen

Q: Hejsan! Vilken intressant blogg!
Jag har problem i relationen med min sambo sedan 5 år. Jag kollar honom hela tiden, vad han gör, hans meil och samtalslistor (är rädd att han är otrogen). Han säger att han inte orkar med min ogrundade misstänksamhet .

Vet inte om detta har att gjöra med att min pappa bedrog min mamma ständigt under deras 30-åriga äktenskap. Hoppas på råd och eventuell hjälp. TACK!
/Anna

A:
Hej Anna,

The modern era of cell phones and computer systems that hold carry information for long periods of time has led to many a relationship downfall. You are in a long term relationship, congratulations you and he have been doing something successful. Now we can discuss the differences between appropriate behavior in a long term relationship versus early on (<6months) in a relationship.
In marital therapy, I often liken the process of building a long-term relationship to that of a house. Trust is a core foundation of the house similar. It should be built and tested early in the relationship, well before there is love, before there is sex, and certainly before there is co-dependency. In most cases, it should take many hours spent together over months to build trust. Once trust is earned and given, it should not be questioned except in the most obvious situations of infidelity or other lying. As you are both working on the walls of the relationship (years 1-3), it is destructive to constantly go about testing the foundation. As my wife once said, "you have to trust the process".
Five years into a relationship, most healthy relationships have moved well beyond building. The roof has been placed on the house and you both have what you have created together. Of course, relationships forever may be tested and there is constant maintenance. Some times relationships are so severely tested that individuals must rebuild or even break up.
There are any number of reasons behind why you do the things you do but they will not unlock the secret behind creating a good relationship today. Yes, it could easily relate to your family experience. My guess is that on occasion you find things that are semi-concerning but easily explainable and never cause enough to actually break up. Your spying becomes like playing a gambling slot machine that you just can't get off of. You must realize that by constantly checking on your boyfriend you are constantly undermining your relationship! The belief and acceptance of this will likely allow you to stop yourself. And you must stop immediately, "cold turkey".
I will say from clinical experiences (and personal ones) if you go looking it is very normal to find things that you do not like that are essentially harmless. Looking into cell phones and emails is not unlike looking into another's diary. In any long term relationship, each individual presents a "front" or "side" of themselves to the other. This is an important part of love, romance, etc. That is not to say people lie in relationships. For example, I may talk and act like a different person around my wife versus my co-workers versus my patients versus my friends at the beach. This is normal and appropriate. An individual has many facets. You should have the trust to let your loved one be free to show all facets of his/her personality to the world.
Remind yourself that mistrust and jealousy actually lead people to be less faithful. By constantly mistrusting, you may create your own nightmare. Loved ones tend to carry out your predetermined expectations of their behavior. It is as if you are constantly reminding him "I date you, but you are untrustworthy". Eventually he may just make you right.
If you are unable to give the gift of basic trust, a thing that should have been earned in the first year, then it is time to live alone for a while and work on yourself. That way you may one day live in a happy home:))......Dr. Lacy

Det ar svårt for mig att veta om dina misstankar är helt ogrundade eller om din sambo faktiskt har varit otrogen tidigare (if so, borde du har lämnat honom tidigare) eller att du har hittat olämpliga mail, samtal mm. Om din misstänksamhet är helt ogrundad tycker jag att du ska gå och prata med ngn om dina tidigare problem och inte lägga dom på din sambo och er relation. Kom ihåg, din pappa och din sambo ar två helt olika individer. LYCKA TILL!
/ Charlotte

Ok att ta antidepressivamediciner livet ut?

Hej! Jag är tjej och snart 27 år. Hittade er blogg via google. Har av och till ätit antidepressivamediciner i snart 7 år. Är detta normalt? Ska jag räkna med att äta dessa mediciner livet ut? Jag är så trött på att vara trött. Vill må bra igen.

Ans:
Thank you for your blog. It is our first Question!!! Unfortunately, I can not answer the question "Am I normal" without meeting you socially. Who is normal really? We are all individuals. I can say that it is very common (and appropriate practice) for patients with recurring depression to be on antidepressants for many years. This may be appropriate for several reasons. First, Major Depressive Disorder is often a recurring condition that is life long. The natural course of the disorder is depressive periods lasting months to years followed by periods of "normal mood". This cycle may continue throughout one's life. Only the future can say whether this will be the case for you. Many patients also go into remission and never face another bout of depression even without meds. Second, today's antidepressants (SSRI's) are very safe in long term studies. Other than stigma, there is very, very little risk of long term side effects associated with today's antidepressant. In fact, antidepressants are safer to use long term than most over the counter medications. There is some evidence that they reduce the risk of heart disease as well. So, when you compare the benefits to the risks (the risk benefit ratio) long term use of antidepressants is much more beneficial than facing recurrent bouts of untreated depression. While the meds do not usually cause full symptom remittance, they do generally decrease severity and length of depressive episodes.

Current guidelines for antidepressant use in recurrent depression: 1) first depressive episode (unless severe with psychosis) treat for 6 months to one year and take off meds. 2) second depressive episode (unless severe with suicidal acts or psychosis) treat for 3 to 5 years. Some clinicians treat second depressive episode with antidepressants including lifelong maintenance antidepressants once symptoms improve 3) third depressive episode- recommendation for treatment followed by lifelong maintenance or prophylactic antidepressant treatment. I also like to attempt to slowly taper patients off of medication after every 2-3 years of stability if possible.

For many, the feeling of happiness is fleeting. The good news is that the natural course of depression is a waxing/waning condition that comes and goes with time. The average depressive episode (untreated) will last 6-18 months. In time, you will always find happiness again. -Dr. Lacy

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